What We Can Learn About Power from Rock, Paper, and Scissors
The Subtle Art of Power
When my daughter was little, we used to play rock, paper, scissors, giggling as we negotiated who would do what or simply in competition. The rules are simple.
Rock crushes scissors.
Paper covers rock.
Scissors cut paper.
One day, when she was quite young, she stopped and asked, “Mama, why does paper beat rock? It doesn’t make sense.”
Yes. Why does paper beat rock?
Who decided that was going to be the rule?
Children grasp the concept of power early, much earlier than we often realize. Simply because they don’t have much of it, which is precisely why they’re so attuned to it.
From their earliest days, kids quickly learn that power shapes much of their world - what they’re allowed to do, how they spend their time, who decides when and often what they eat, when they speak, or what choices are available to them. It’s this stark imbalance in power that makes children sensitive to the dynamics at play.
After all, when you don’t have much control over your environment, you begin to pay close attention to those who do.
One of the first lessons in power is taught through the simple, ubiquitous game of rock, paper, scissors. As we play, we’re subtly introduced to the idea that power is contextual, that a rock can be crushed by paper, which in turn can be sliced by scissors.
But who decided that paper beats rock?
Who decided which has power over the other?
The answer is: larger systems. These rules were established long ago, unquestioned but accepted.
We don’t naturally think to challenge these rules because, as children, we’re taught to follow them.
They just are.
Don’t question me.
Because I said so.
This becomes the foundation of how we understand power throughout life: it’s handed down, often without question, from systems we rarely challenge.
Often, the lessons about power take a darker turn.
Many of us grow into adulthood without recognizing how deeply these early lessons about power continue to affect us.
Many choose not to engage in what they call “power games,” opting out of office politics or avoiding confrontational dynamics, as though ignoring power means it doesn’t exist. (Ever notice how these same people are the most familiar with how power games work?)
Here’s the truth - whether you choose to play the game, you’re still in it.
Inaction is itself a choice in the power dynamics that surround us, and opting out doesn’t exempt you from its consequences.
Power is a Game You’re Always Playing
One of the biggest misconceptions is that power only exists in explicit forms - hierarchies, authority figures, or laws.
However, power is much more pervasive and insidious.
Power is woven into every relationship, every workplace, every conversation. The question isn’t whether power exists, but how we engage with it.
Those who refuse to acknowledge the presence of power often do so because they believe that by staying "above" it, they can avoid being entangled in its messiness. It’s easy to convince ourselves that by not playing office politics or avoiding confrontations, we’re somehow morally superior or more enlightened. But this is a misunderstanding.
Power is not only a top-down structure where those at the bottom have no say. It’s relational. It’s dynamic. It exists in the spaces between us - in our conversations, our choices, our silences.
Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly negotiating power, setting boundaries, and making choices that reflect the rules of this game.
This is exactly where the challenge lies.
How do we move ethically through these power dynamics while staying true to our values?
The Role of Boundaries
Boundaries are perhaps one of the most crucial tools in navigating power. In a world where everyone is playing the game of power - consciously or not - setting boundaries is essential.
Boundaries allow us to engage with power without being overwhelmed by it. They help us stay grounded, ensuring that our actions are aligned with our values rather than dictated by the shifting tides of external pressures.
For example, at work, when you agree to take on a task you didn’t want, or when you stay silent in a meeting even though you disagree, you’re making choices that reflect your position in the power dynamic. Perhaps you’re trying to avoid conflict, or maybe you fear being labeled as difficult or uncooperative.
But what if we shifted our thinking to see these moments as opportunities to set boundaries, to clarify where we stand and what we’re willing to tolerate?
Setting boundaries has nothing to do with shutting down communication or disengaging.
Boundaries are about clarity - being clear with yourself and others about what you need to thrive, not just survive. They are the ultimate form of self-care in the realm of power dynamics and allow you to participate in the game without losing yourself in it.
Ethical Engagement in Power Dynamics
One of the greatest challenges in dealing with power is figuring out how to engage with it ethically.
How can we hold power in a way that feels true to who we are?
How can we avoid the pitfalls of manipulation, coercion, or exploitation while still navigating a world where these tactics are often rewarded?
Ethical engagement requires self-awareness. It involves recognizing when we’re being influenced by power dynamics and asking ourselves how we want to respond.
Are we acting out of fear, or are we acting from a place of integrity?
Are we seeking power for its own sake, or are we looking to use our influence in a way that benefits not only ourselves but those around us?
Power is often exercised in a work setting through subtle behaviors - who speaks the loudest or the most in meetings, who controls the flow of conversation, or who has the final say on decisions.
These moments may seem trivial, but they’re loaded with power. Recognizing them for what they are can give us the clarity to engage thoughtfully.
When you understand the power dynamics at play, you can begin to ask the right questions: Is this a moment where I need to assert myself, or is this a time to listen and learn? Am I being excluded from a decision, and if so, why?
By bringing ethical considerations into our understanding of power, we can start to reshape how we engage with others.
Power doesn’t have to be about dominance. It can be about influence, guidance, and collaboration.
Opting Out Isn’t an Option
There’s a seductive simplicity to the idea of opting out of power games. After all, who wants to get caught up in petty office politics or exhausting power struggles?
But the fact is, opting out isn’t a real option.
Power, like air, is always present. Just because you’re not actively engaging with it doesn’t mean it’s not affecting you.
In fact, choosing to ignore power often leaves you more vulnerable to its influence.
When we choose not to engage with power, we give up our ability to shape it. We allow others to make decisions for us, set the terms of engagement, and define the game rules. And while this might seem like a peaceful or neutral stance, it’s anything but.
When you don’t take part in the power games in ethical and intentional ways, you surrender your voice. You give up the chance to advocate for yourself, to set boundaries, and to ensure that your and others’ needs are met.
Reclaiming Your Power
The first step to reclaiming your power is acknowledging it exists; that you are a player in the game, whether you like it or not.
From there, learn the rules - not so you can manipulate others or win at all costs, but so you can move through the world with awareness, clarity, and integrity.
Power doesn’t have to be a dirty word. It can be a force for good, a tool for creating change, for fostering connection, and for ensuring equity. But it requires mindfulness, intention, and a willingness to engage.
Think back to rock, paper, scissors. Each move has its strengths and its weaknesses, but no move is inherently better than the others. Real power lies in knowing when to use each one, in understanding the dynamics at play, and in being willing to participate.
In a world where power dynamics are often hidden beneath the surface, your challenge is not to avoid the game but to play it wisely - setting boundaries, engaging ethically, and recognizing that your voice, your actions, and your choices all have power.
Whether you know it or not, you’re in the game.
Whether you want to engage or not, you’re a player in the power game.
The question is, how will you play it?
Journal Prompts for Personal Development
1. How do I currently use power in my life—whether in work, relationships, or personal decisions? Am I aware of the impact my use of power has on others? In what ways can I ensure I’m using power ethically and responsibly?
2. Reflect on a time when I felt powerless in a situation. How did I respond, and what emotions did I experience? If I could revisit that situation, what boundaries or actions would help me reclaim some power?
3. What does setting boundaries look like for me? In what areas of my life do I struggle to set boundaries, and how does this relate to power dynamics at play? How can I strengthen my boundary-setting skills?
4. Think of a situation where I felt someone wielded power over me in an unfair way. How did this experience shape my feelings about power, and what steps could I take to regain control in similar situations moving forward?
5. How do I balance using power in my life while maintaining empathy and integrity? Are there moments where I have prioritized power over connection? How can I engage with power in a way that fosters collaboration and ethical relationships, rather than dominance or control?