The Quest for External Validation

You know that feeling when you're at a party or a networking event and you catch yourself checking the room? You are trying to read the expressions on everyone’s face; trying to gauge their vibe toward you. 

Are they into what you’re saying? Or maybe... you lost them at “Hi, I’m [insert name here].” 

One minute you’re charming, full of stories and jokes.  

The next?  

You’re shrinking into a corner because someone made a weird face.  

One moment you’re on a high, and the next, you’re wondering if that comment you made was as funny as you thought. 

External validation.  

We seek it, crave it even, as though a nod of approval is the magic wand that can transform our sense of worth. If we can just get it, it would allow us to relax and know we are still welcome and belong. 

We all do it. Oh, we can pretend we don’t, but deep down, we know better. 

Validation from others, however, is like trying to build a house on quicksand.  

When our identity relies on the nods, smiles, and vague approval of others, we are standing on very shaky ground. 

It’s unreliable, inconsistent, and unpredictable.  

Why We Seek Validation 

Humans are social creatures.  

Even the most introverted among us can’t quite escape the desire to fit in, to be liked, and to feel seen. As kids, we rely on our parents, teachers, and peers to tell us who we are. A pat on the back for good behavior, a high five for getting that math problem right, even a smile from a classmate—all of it serves to tell us, “Yes, you’re doing okay. Keep it up.” 

As we get older, the stakes feel much higher.  

No one’s handing out gold stars anymore, and we start turning to other sources for that hit of approval.  

Social media likes, anyone?  

The praise of a boss?  

A romantic partner’s reassurance?  

These become our new measuring sticks, and before we know it, we’re chasing validation like a cat with a laser pointer. 

The Problem: It’s Never the Same Twice 

The validation we seek from others is never consistent.  

Not even close. 

One day, you’re feeling on top of the world because someone complimented your work, and the next, you’re spiraling because another person barely glanced at your presentation. 

It’s like trying to hit a moving target while blindfolded. 

The people around us are constantly shifting. You’re not the only one who has good and bad days.  

Their reactions to you?  

Others are just as influenced by their own moods, circumstances, and internal battles as you are.  

When we tie our sense of self to how others perceive us, we’re putting ourselves at the mercy of a very unreliable weather pattern. 

Today, you’re funny and brilliant because someone’s in a good mood.  

Tomorrow, you’re annoying and overbearing because that same person is stressed about an overdue project.  

It has nothing to do with you, and yet, we often internalize these reactions as objective truth. 

Living on a Shaky Foundation 

Relying on external validation to tell us who we are is like constructing a house with no blueprint and on the whims of the people who happen to stroll by the construction site.  

Sometimes, they’re into the vibe of your house.  

Other times, they think it’s an eyesore.  

If you’re not careful, you’ll keep tearing it down and rebuilding it based on the latest passerby’s critique. 

The result? Exhaustion.  

And a shaky sense of self that never quite feels solid. 

Many of us often feel lost when left alone and in silence with our thoughts. When no one is around to give us that feedback loop, we’re unsure who we are. This is why solo vacations can either be a transformative, soul-searching adventure - or an anxiety-inducing nightmare.  

Who are we without someone constantly affirming or critiquing us? 

What Do We Do About It? 

It’s easy to say “Stop seeking validation” like it’s some switch we can flip off.  

We can’t fully extricate ourselves from the need to belong and to be seen.  

It’s wired into us.  

But, we can change the source from which we derive our worth – by validating ourselves. 

The more we start validating ourselves, the less we’ll be swayed by the shifting opinions of others.  

Learning to validate yourself means developing an internal sense of knowing that you are enough regardless of whether or not someone’s into your latest story or impressed with your PowerPoint slides. 

Self-validation is about building a foundation on you - your values, your integrity, your passions. These things don’t change based on who’s in the room.  

When we anchor ourselves to our own sense of worth, external validation becomes just a nice-to-have, not a need-to-survive. 

Navigating the Room with Confidence 

The next time you walk into a room full of people whose opinions you think will make or break your day, first take a deep breath. You are still you, whether they think your joke lands. You have inherent value that doesn’t waver based on someone else’s fleeting mood. 

When you stop being so concerned with how others perceive you, you start connecting with people more authentically.  

You’ll crack jokes that feel true to your sense of humor, not just the ones you think will get a laugh.  

You’ll share ideas that excite you, not just the ones you think will impress. 

Not everyone will get it. Some people might still be stuck in their own heads, or just not in the mood to vibe with your energy that day.  

And that’s okay.

You’re no longer in the business of shaping yourself to fit the room.  

You’ve built your foundation on solid ground - one that doesn’t crumble based on who’s watching. 

Unshakeable You 

Validation from others? It’s nice but, we can’t let that be the cornerstone of our identity.  

When you learn to validate yourself, you stop living and dying by the reactions of others.  

And, suddenly, the room - whether it’s full of strangers, friends, or colleagues - feels a whole lot less intimidating. 

You’re you.  

That is more than enough.