Navigating Hidden Agendas in Everyday Conversations 

My teenager has a habit of warning her friends before they meet me. “She’s a coach and a trauma therapist,” she’ll say, “Don’t even try to pretend. She’ll be able to smell the trauma and insecurity on you.” 

It’s her playful way of acknowledging something that rings true. After thousands of conversations over two decades, I’ve become attuned to the subtle cues people give off - those "tells" that reveal what might be simmering below the surface. Whether it's a slight shift in body language, the tone of voice, or an odd word choice, these small signs speak volumes about the internal struggles we try to keep hidden. 

In general, human beings are very intuitive about recognizing a conversation that feels slightly off, as though something is brewing beneath the surface. 

You nod, smile, and maintain social decorum, but something about the interaction feels forced, as if there’s another layer you’re not seeing. 

This kind of interaction is often referred to in Transactional Analysis (TA) as a “game”. 

Games are unconscious strategies people engage in to meet their deeper, often hidden, psychological needs. They operate on two levels - one that’s social, and another that’s psychological. 

But here’s the thing: we all have our own tells when we are playing games. And often, without even realizing it, we play these “games” in communication, masking our true emotions with rehearsed scripts and socially acceptable responses. Whether it's in our personal lives or at work, these games arise from our fears, insecurities, or unmet needs. 

When you become aware of games, you begin to see how much of our communication is layered in these subtle, self-defeating patterns.  

The Two Levels of Communication 

1. The Social Level: The Face of the Conversation 

On the surface, most of our communication happens at the social level.  

These are polite exchanges, casual greetings, and outward appearances. We say what’s expected of us and follow a script that aligns with social norms.  

For example, when a colleague says, “I think that’s a great idea,” everything seems fine on the surface, right? But perhaps you sense a slight hesitation or discomfort in their tone, which could suggest that something else is going on beneath the surface. In organizations, I often hear this level referred to as “professional nice”. 

2. The Psychological Level: The Subtext of the Conversation 

Underneath the social pleasantries lies the psychological level of communication - the deeper, often unconscious feelings and motivations driving the interaction.  

This layer reveals the true emotional state, hidden agendas, or unmet needs that are often not fully acknowledged, even by the people involved.  

For instance, someone might say they want to collaborate with you, but on a psychological level, they could be motivated by fear of losing control or a need to avoid vulnerability. 

These deeper layers are often expressed through subtle cues - body language, tone of voice, or seemingly minor contradictions between words and actions.  

And it’s at the level of the psychological that most communication games thrive. 

What Are Communication Games? 

Games, according to Transactional Analysis, refer to repetitive, unconscious patterns of behavior that typically end in frustration, misunderstanding, or emotional pain. They are sustained by the dual levels of communication - the social level, where everything seems fine, and the psychological level, where hidden needs and unspoken emotions rule the interaction.  

The most frustrating part about games? 

Both parties usually don’t even realize they’re playing. 

Here’s a classic example: A colleague often asks for help with projects, claiming they’re “struggling” to manage their workload. On the social level, this request might seem like an innocent plea for help – which might be an authentic ask. But on the psychological level, they may be playing a game called “Kick Me,” where they unconsciously seek criticism or rejection to reinforce an internal belief that they’re inadequate. 

Why Do We Play Games? 

At first glance, it might seem baffling why anyone would engage in behavior that leads to negative outcomes.  

But games fulfill a deeper psychological purpose, even when they seem counterproductive.  

Often, these patterns are rooted in early childhood experiences where they served as coping mechanisms. Over time, they become ingrained habits - strategies to get our emotional needs met, even if the outcome isn’t what we consciously desire. 

For example, someone who repeatedly places themselves in situations where they are criticized may be unconsciously reinforcing a belief that they’re unworthy. The criticism, though painful, validates their internal narrative and satisfies a deep-seated need for confirmation - even if it’s a negative one. 

Common Games in the Workplace 

These patterns aren’t just limited to personal relationships. 

They show up frequently in professional environments too. In the workplace, games can lead to miscommunication, power struggles, and a lack of productivity. Here are a few common examples: 

1. “Why Don’t You—Yes But”: This game involves someone who constantly brings up problems and dismisses every solution with a “Yes, but…” response. The real goal isn’t to solve the problem but to maintain control by ensuring that no solution is viable. There is a certain amount of power that is maintained by having a problem so big it can’t be solved.
2. “See What You Made Me Do”: Here, an individual avoids taking responsibility for their actions, instead blaming others for their mistakes. The social message is one of apology or regret, but the psychological message is one of avoidance and deflection.
3. “If It Weren’t for You”: In this game, someone may blame their inability to succeed on external factors, like their boss or company policies, rather than acknowledging their own resistance to change or growth.
4. “I’m Only Trying to Help”: This is the game of unsolicited advice. A person offers help not out of genuine concern but as a way to assert their superiority, subtly making others feel inadequate in the process. 

Power Dynamics and Games 

Power dynamics often play a critical role in how games unfold, particularly in workplace settings.  

In relationships where there is an imbalance of power - such as between a manager and their team - games can be a way to reinforce or challenge that power structure. 

For instance, a manager might engage in a game where they give ambiguous feedback, leaving their team uncertain about their performance. On the surface, the manager might say, “You’re doing great, but there’s room for improvement.” However, the psychological message could be one of control, keeping the employee on edge and dependent on the manager’s approval. 

These games can erode trust, demoralize employees, and create a toxic work environment.  

Over time, the team’s performance suffers, and the workplace becomes a breeding ground for resentment and disengagement. 

Breaking Free from Games: Awareness Is Key 

When you recognize that a game is being played, you can choose not to engage in it. This requires a keen understanding of both the social and psychological levels of communication - being able to identify the surface script and the underlying motivations. 

Once you’ve identified the game, the next step is to uncover the underlying psychological need.  

Ask yourself or the person involved: What’s really driving this behavior?  

What emotional need is being met through this game, and how can that need be addressed in a healthier, more direct way? 

For example, if you tend to engage in the “Kick Me” game, it’s important to ask yourself why you feel the need to seek out criticism or rejection.  

Do you truly believe you’re inadequate, or is this a story you’ve been telling yourself for years?  

By challenging these ingrained beliefs, you can begin to communicate more authentically, asking for support or feedback without setting yourself up for failure. 

Leadership Games: The Impact on Teams 

When leaders engage in games, the effects ripple through the entire team.  

A leader who plays the “I’m Only Trying to Help” game, for instance, might erode their team’s confidence and autonomy, creating a culture of dependency and stifling growth.  

Over time, this can lead to disengagement, resentment, and even burnout. 

On the flip side, a leader who recognizes and addresses these patterns can foster a more trusting and collaborative environment.  

By communicating openly and authentically, leaders can break the cycle of games and create a culture where people feel empowered to express their true thoughts and emotions. 

Moving Toward Authentic Communication 

Once we see through the game, we gain the power to stop playing it. We start recognizing when something is off, not just in others but also in ourselves. That’s when real communication begins - when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest, to acknowledge the layers of emotion beneath the surface, and to speak from a place of authenticity. 

Perfection or always getting it right is impossible. 

Learning to listen closely and notice the tells, allows you to gently peel back the layers, and to engage with each other in a way that honors our true selves. In a world full of surface-level exchanges, the ability to read and connect with what lies beneath is one of the greatest tools we have for building deeper, more meaningful relationships. 

By bringing what’s unconscious into consciousness, we can stop living on autopilot and start cultivating more honest, fulfilling relationships. 

Ultimately, moving away from games and toward authenticity is about building deeper connections, fostering trust, and creating spaces where we can show up as our true selves.  

And that’s a game worth playing.